Hello there. It’s been a loooooong time since my last post (again). Low and behold, I’m back on Exante. Having lost nearly 2 stone just over 5 months ago, that damn 2 stone is back! To cut a long story short, it’s my own fault. As a result I’ve decided to use the 3 week supply of Exante packs I had left over to give myself a bit of a kick up the arse. I’m already 7lbs down but right in the middle of the usual carb withdrawal from hell phase. Essentially it appears that I’m using a VLCD as a safety net. Once I get into the high 17s I begin to panic and take drastic action. 18 stone is a kind of psychological weight for me as I recall being that weight when I got married 7 years ago. I WILL NOT see that number on my scales again! Now if I could just shift that mentality to 16 stone instead of 18 I wouldn’t have a problem. 2011 has been a strange year so far weight wise. After feeling great about Exante giving me that boost I then proceeded to slowly put that weight back on over the summer. If the circle continues I will lose it again now and put it back on over Christmas. So, will it be a similar post from me in January? Maybe. I’d like to think not but at this point I struggle to understand how I’m going to change for good. I’m determined for this not to degenerate into a long list of excuses.
My VLCD journey (still hate that word) began just over 3 years ago and the very tail end of August 2008. A full 20 weeks on total abstinence with the Lightlife plan saw my weight plummet from almost 22 stone to just over 13. I felt great. Did the management plan and had some very real confidence about the future. I’m still almost 5 stone lighter than when I started but there have been lots of ups and downs along the way. My last Exante stint after Christmas 2010 was a real down. I was totally disgusted with myself in all honesty. I really viewed going back on the packs as a failure. So much so that I’d probably go as far as saying I should have done it much earlier. This time I have decided but put the debate about whether or not it’s the right thing to do to one side and focus on the facts. This king of yo yo dieting isn’t doing me any good. No one needs to tell me that. What frightens me is if I do go over that line. If I do go into the 18s, I can really see it going all the way back up to where it was before. I know most don’t agree with my approach but it seems my all or nothing nature likes this kind of diet. Do I like punishing myself? Maybe. Why? I have no idea.
For whatever reason I choose to push the limits with my eating and particularly drinking. I wouldn’t say it was necessarily compulsive or addictive behaviour, more a blinkered approach. Not quite “it’ll never happen to me”, I know better. It’s more of a taking your eye off the ball issue. Thinking of the now rather the long term. It’s so easy though isn’t it? It snowballs. It seems like you’re fine and the next thing you know, you’re back to where you started. This is all rather dramatic as the reality is that between 15 stone 7 and 16 stone 7 I felt fine. I just need to find a way to stay there. Eat less, move more, drink less, portion control, yadda, yadda, yadda….. I’ve been there, done that and literally got the T shirt (which doesn’t fit anymore ironically).
The net result in all this is that I’m giving it another go and do you know what? Why not?! Surely that has to be a positive? All of the fight hasn’t gone from me just yet. So how long will I stay abstinent this time? Well, at least 3 weeks (I’m on day 4). After that I have a work conference at which I shall be eating. I’m not at the sort of 20 stone level any more. Back then taking a few days off the packs was my worst nightmare. After that and in to October I haven’t decided. I like to think that a 3 week boost is what I need to give me a bit of a lift and get back on track, restart my food diary and finally begin to move on from this part of my life. With that said, I haven’t ruled out another month either.
So I’ll be posting when I can let you all know how I’m doing……
G
